I woke up at 5:30 AM today. Which was not unusual. Sleep has not been my friend lately. Even though I fell sleep at around 1 am while watching Supernatural (the only show I can think of that doesn’t have any sort of romantic relationship depicted because the Winchesters and Castiel are too busy taking turns dying for each other to leave any room for any sort of healthy relationship in their lives), I still woke up at 5:30. I’ve been taking this as a bad sign, as I really have not been getting enough sleep to function properly, but my body’s getting used to it, which is also not a good sign.
So yeah, I woke up at 5:30. And then I turned to my other side and my boobs hurt from the movement. Naturally, my initial thought was: HOLY SHIT AM I PREGNANT? I immediately googled the different things that can cause sore breasts. Let me tell you, there is a reason why doctors tell you not to Google medically related things. According to the internet, I am either having a period in about a week, going through menopause, or pregnant. And honestly, out of those three options, I would choose menopause any time. I mean, logically, I know pregnancy is out of the question, I have an IUD. But that’s really still not a foolproof method of contraception, there are still failures. As I was laying in bed and feeling my boobs for lumps (surprisingly, the internet tells me that sore breasts are not generally a sign of breast cancer, but I looked for lumps anyway), I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe, just maybe, I’m part of the 0.2% where failure occurs with the IUD.
So when I asked my friend to come over and help (read: force) me pack, I asked her if she can bring me a pregnancy test. I had never taken one before, so part of me was excited, and part of me was terrified. I mean, why do they call it a test? When do you fail? When do you pass? It’s all a matter of perspective here. If you ask me, I would count it as a fail if it says I’m pregnant, but for a woman who has been trying to conceive for a long time, that would be an utterly devastating failure.
But back to the matter at hand, my friend arrived and I had the pregnancy test, now to take it. I told my friend I had never taken one before and she suggested to pee in a cup and dip the stick, instead of trying to hold the stick in the stream of my pee. After she told me this, I read the instructions and they were surprisingly very strict. You must hold the stick in the stream of pee for no more than 5 seconds. I mean seriously? I’m not coordinated enough for that shit. I was definitely getting a cup. So I rummaged around my cupboards to try and find a suitable container for my pee to dip my pregnancy test stick in. Right away I decided I needed something with a bigger opening than the pee cups they give you in doctors’ offices because those things suck, I always end up getting pee in my hands. I also didn’t want to use actual dishes, because PEE. No matter how many times I washed it, I would always remember that I peed in it once. Also I might accidentally drop it in the toilet, and then basically at that point I’ll just have to throw that dish out. So I settled for an old Greek yogurt container. I mean this thing was perfect, it was one of those bigger-sized yogurt containers so the opening was big enough that I wouldn’t spill my pee everywhere. And then I peed. Into the cup. With absolutely no mess! It was a fucking achievement! I took the pregnancy test stick out, and dipped it into the pee, for no more than 20 seconds, just as the instructions said. I put the pink cap back on, set the test flat on my sink, and set the timer for 2 minutes. Holy shit if those weren’t the longest 2 minutes I’ve ever had to wait.
In the end, I passed. I waited for longer than 2 minutes and it kept saying I wasn’t pregnant, so it was a success! My breasts are still sore, but at least I’m not pregnant. I have my IUD, so I guess I was just being completely paranoid and letting my anxiety get the better of me. Because the IUD boasts 99.8% effectiveness! There was a reason why after excessive research, this was the contraceptive method I chose. What was I thinking? But for the next time this happens, I have an extra one in my medicine cabinet. Wait, do these things have expiry dates?
Side note: My friend saw her ex while she was buying the pregnancy test and I owe her now, because she had an awkward conversation with him while standing in line to pay for MY pregnancy test.